In our Warehouse;

Just for a bit of fun. We all wish we could remember them but often can’t. This is a selection of some of my favourites but please remember that pub jokes may well be of an adult nature. If you have any good ones, please send them on and you’re place may be advertised here too.

Dave was excited about his new rifle, and decided to try bear hunting. On his first trip he spotted a small brown bear and shot it. There was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned round to see a big black bear. The black
bear said, "That was my cousin, and you have two choices. Either I maul you to death, or we have sex."

 After considering briefly, Dave decided on the latter.

 Even though he felt sore for 2 weeks, Dave soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it. There was another tap on his shoulder. A huge Kodiak bear stood behind him and said, "That was a huge mistake Dave, baby. That was my cousin. Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex."

Again Dave thought it was better to cooperate.

It took Dave several months to recover. Outraged he headed back out to the woods and managed to track down the Kodiak bear and shoot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned round and there was a giant Grizzly. The Grizzly bear said,

"Admit it Dave, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?

It was the opening night at the Palladium and the amazing Foo was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Foo took the stage he announced, "Unlike most hypnotist who invite one or two people on to the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotise each and every member of the audience." The excitement was almost electrifying as Foo withdrew a beautiful antique watch from his coat. I want each and every one of you to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch and has been in my family for 6 generations. He began swaying the watch gently back and forth while chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..." The crowd became mesmerised as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces. "Shit" said the hypnotist. It took several weeks to clean up the theatre.

One day George's mum was cleaning his room when she came across a S&M magazine hidden under his bed. Highly upset she took the magazine downstairs and waited for her husband to come home from work. When he finally did, he flicked through the pages and handed it back to his wife without a word. "Well? What do you think we should do about this?" She asked. "I'm not too sure" replied the dad, "but I’m certainly not going to smack him."

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet and rolls over and says, "Well, I guess we finally know the answer to that proverbial question!"

Three tourists were driving through Wales. As they were approaching Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter one asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?" The girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrr, gerrrrrr, Kiiiiiing."

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly either of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".

Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!"

"This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "and look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."

 (I’ll leave you to deduce your own moral to that one!)